A couple of people have asked me why I haven’t been blogging lately, so I thought I’d go ahead and share what’s been going on in my head. The thing is, I have very complicated feelings about this blog. I can’t seem to decide whether it’s something I should continue or not.
For one thing, blogging takes a lot of time. I spend hours on each and every post–planning, writing and revising, taking and editing photos, and then formatting everything for the website. And due to a certain very demanding toddler who shall remain nameless, I have precious little free time. So do I want to spend what meager few minutes I occasionally manage to carve out for myself working on my blog? It’s time that could otherwise be spent doing something else–playing with Quinn, hanging out with Ben, reading a book, taking a bath…
A corollary to my lack of time problem is my complete and utter lack of uninterrupted time. Even when I do get a few minutes to myself after Quinn goes to bed, I’m always interrupted at least once or twice by his waking up and needing me. These interludes can each last five or ten minutes, and I find them to be extremely frustrating. Writing, for me, requires complete and total concentration–no music, no background noise, no disruptions. I have to tune everything else out and focus all of my brain on my work, so when I’m forced to break concentration, it’s so disruptive that it’s almost physically uncomfortable for me. Certainly stressful, in any event. I probably sound like a ridiculous diva, but this is how writing has always been for me, both in school and in the workplace.
Then there are the deeper nagging philosophical questions: What exactly is my motivation for blogging? Is the time I spend decorating or throwing parties or whatever motivated by a dedication to myself and my family, or merely to creating blog content? Is blogging interfering with my ability to simply live my life in the moment? Does anyone out there even care what I have to say? Will I get sucked into the black hole of comparing myself unfavorably to every other lifestyle blogger out there? And do I even want to be a part of that particular community? Sometimes I feel like bloggers are boastful and self-indulgent and I don’t want to join their club, while other times I feel like I’m not creative or original or talented enough and they wouldn’t let me in anyway.
So on the one hand, blogging is a stressful time-suck that raises all sorts of what-is-the-point-of-this questions. But on the other hand, I just can’t seem to get it out of my system! For some reason I feel a compelling urge to share what’s going on in my life. And I really like writing. It’s actually one of the few things I miss about my lawyer life. And even when I’m not blogging, I can’t seem to stop content ideas from coming to me–I have about a dozen unfinished draft posts in the queue and a list a mile long of topics I’d still like to blog about. And there is something very satisfying about putting a blog post out there and knowing someone else will read and enjoy it–even if it’s only my husband!
So when I’m blogging, I feel stressed about it, and when I’m not, I feel vaguely dissatisfied and unfulfilled. What’s a girl to do?? Probably just more of what I’ve been doing, which is blogging until the stress gets to be too much, and then disappearing until the urge to share becomes overpowering once again. I’m not happy with that state of things–I wish I could blog regularly or give it up entirely–but I just can’t seem to come to a decision. Right now, however, I’m in sharing mode, and in the middle of putting together a post about some work we’re doing in our bathroom, so you’ll be hearing more from me pretty soon. In the meantime, if you have any thoughts about my dilemma, I’d be grateful to hear them!
And now, please enjoy this gratuitous shot of a horse I saw on my walk this morning.